Note - This is a story I wrote in 1996 when I discovered the alt.religion.scientology newsgroup (mostly populated by critics of the movement) The story is still valid today, but since then I pretty much dissociated myself with the anti-Scientology movement because I disagree with their exaggerations and the cultish way they attack dissenters within their own rank.
During my free time, I would sometimes go walking in East Grinstead village, a small, rather cute, English village situated in the really very beautiful country side of Sussex. I would go into record shops and listen to some of the latest records, or would go in book shops and sneak around the spiritual, religious, and esoteric shelves. That's probably how I discovered that Krishnamurti (not related to the krishna sect), an Indian thinker of whom I was very fond before my involvement in Scn, had established one of his three worldwide lecture spots just a few miles from East Grinstead, in a school at Brockwood Park. This came as quite a surprise for me, even more so when I discovered that he was also due to arrive in a few weeks.
I managed to pay a short visit to this school and returned when Krishnamurti was there himself. The beautiful and intense atmosphere of the school provided me safe and highly spiritual surroundings where I could consider things from an higher perspective. Krishnamurti's lectures and example also helped me to sort out the many contradictory ideas that inhabited my mind at the time. Then, at some point, I found the 'glue' for it all.
To make a long story short, the 'glue' is the discovery that through 'integrated attention,' you can find all the answers and elegant solutions to all problems. This is the shortest way I can express what I mean, even if such an expression is, inevitably, highly inadequate. Basically, it means that all the answers are within and that you don't need anything else. You only need to know how to tap what could be called the 'pool of wisdom' that lays inside each and every person. One has to be cautious with the use of such words as 'wisdom,' but I can’t find a better one right now and expressly don't want to use the word 'knowledge.' Wisdom is different than knowledge. Pythagoras used to say that a drop of wisdom was worth a thousand barrels of knowledge. Wisdom implies, for me, an 'elegant' quality in the solutions provided, because each solution is perfectly adapted to the blend of the many complexities that make up a given situation. The apprehension ' of these many elements is not arrived at by analysis, but rather by an instant grasp of the whole picture. This instant grasp, and the way to tap into the pool of wisdom is what I call, for lack of better words, 'integrated attention.
Integrated attention could be described as a form of meditation in action, in which you endeavor to be aware, in an optimum way, through life itself, of what is happening both 'outward' and 'inward', and what the interaction is between the two. It means that you bring your awareness level to a maximum, while avoiding any kind of force in the process. It is a matter of correct 'adequation' between consciousness (our means to be ‘cognizant’) and reality in its broadest sense. Through this attention, which you will find is difficult to sustain on a constant basis during the day, you learn about yourself and about life. You can also get, without any kind of gobetween other than this precisely applied beam of attention, ‘perfect’ answers to most questions. I apologize if this all sounds somewhat pompous. It is in reality much simpler. Only the gawky description herein makes it look pompous. What I really mean to say is that you can find all the answers on your own, they are all lying there inside. No one will be able to help you find them out but yourself, and certainly no one other than you has the key to unlock them, no matter what Scn or other totalitarian entities say and how many times they repeat it. The key is, so to speak, in your own attention and awareness, and the way you apply it to uncover the layers of your own self and of life. I will try, in later parts of this series, to develop this point and the way it compares to Scn precepts.
So, almost without realizing its many implications, this new insight brought important changes. For one, it brought about a great order and a sense of harmony. It's not that I got all of a sudden enlightened and could know everything. This would be far from the truth. But I wouldn’t *stir* things anymore. Like dust in a glass of water that you stop agitating: everything was falling harmoniously into place.
This also didn't meant that I had nothing to learn anymore or that there weren’t many things to improve in my personality. On the contrary. But I felt like a tremendous space opening up in which I would have all the room necessary to evolve, a quasi infinite amount of new things to learn and opportunities to work on myself, like unearthing diamonds through the hard work of stripping off the dirt.
This was another departure from Scn, and for that matter from many other systems as well. In Scn, you work through the subconscious. There are engrams, of which you are not aware that are influencing you. So, through auditing sessions, you work on engrams and chains thereof. You reach a so-called clear state, but since you obviously are very far from the idyllic description of clear as depicted by LRH, you are told that you now have ‘inplants’ and other nasty animals still hanging in your subconscious and you should get rid of them in the OT levels (see available OT levels documents on the net if you are interested). In other words, no matter if it’s engrams or OT level phenomena, you always work on something *else* than yourself. You use procedures and mechanisms, in a setting separated from life, to work on hypothetical entities in your subconscious, and are thereby supposed to gain all kinds of abilities. Then, in life itself, you 'apply' Scn in order to become 'sucessful.'
But now I didn't want to 'apply' any procedures or mechanisms to life. I wanted to learn from life itself, to be open enough to let life teach me the great lessons, and the small ones. I wanted to find things by myself, the small ones, and the great ones. It may not turn out to be glamorous, but at least it would be *real*, and it would be mine. It was also *free* and later I found out that it was as well *much* better. And I didn't want to live in an ‘ideal’ Scn society of endless escape forward, where you always need to 'produce' in order to feel good, where something else was always the reason for your down feelings.
I was also re-assessing what I held of value from Scientology. I wanted to see if I could arrive there by myself, through this new approach. Not only could I do that, but the results were also much more balanced. they possessed a dynamic dimension, because I arrived there by myself and from the ‘in-side.’ I could take out from it, add to it, or bend it in whatever direction. In other word *I* owned them, I didn't owe them to anything, to anyone else, except maybe that which is the very texture of our being and which is this formidable universal intelligence that stands completely beyond our conception.
This all didn't mean that I wasn't interested in anything anymore. I was still open to everything and everyone, and fully appreciated the unique value they would bring. This included Scn, which I thought, up till now, that many parts of it could be put to good use, taken out their totalitarian context. However, in the whole picture, I was now seeing as well that Scn was also something limited and limiting, arrogant and deluded on many points, and worse of all, lacking the necessary qualities to be able to *change* itself. Something trapped in its own system, i.e., a cult.
Scn, as a group, is following the same pattern as LRH's 'therapy': they work on something *else*, something to which they wrongly attribute the real cause for their misfortunes. Like engrams, inplants, or other entities upon whom they assign the cause for individual aberrations, Scientologists label all individual questioning LRH definitive view of the world as "SP." They think that by fighting SP's, they will resolve all their problems. They are too blinded to see that no one but themselves are sowing the seeds of their own failure.
[To be continued...]
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